Igor's Story Part Two

source: http://www.forex-tsd.com

With taking that decision I got 50% of the value of my house on that moment (the year 2000) 125.000€

I was learning very fast because the time that I took to learn was beyond what every other human would do. I slept in front of my pc. Was reading every book on trading. I was even able to write a book. 

My learning curve went up like a rocket. When someone would have cut open the veins in my wrist there was not a drip of blood that would have come out of it. Only charts, logarithms, systems, charts, indicators etc. And was I making money ?.. HELL YES. I was making an insane amount of money. I was making money like I never dared to dream.

BUT..yep as you expected here is the big but. I was trading in such a way that sooner or later it would lead to a total destruction. I had hardly ever a stoploss on my trades and was continuously averaging down. 

Every time I succeeded in my averaging down I made a lot more money. Brokers personally warned me (in that time one had only telephonic brokers) every time with the words: Igor, you got away with again but sooner or later you are going to get stuck in positions where you will loos everything in a couple of days.

As said I felt on top of the world (arrogant) and had no ears for what they said. 

The 21st February 2001 ( 1 year after my divorce) my arrogance was stopped abruptly. In 48 hours I lost everything, every penny, dollar, euro that I had made and saved in my life. I had taken so much future contracts on the long side on the daxxetra ( german stock index) by continuously averaging down where on that moment that index (future) was dropping like a meteor that is falling to earth.

My broker called me after the trading session and said to me: Sorry Igor all your money is gone. I did everything to keep your positions open as long as possible. To even go over your margin till the zero point. But tomorrow you can’t trade anymore. Because no more money.

I said to him: Thank you and laid down the phone and got in the most scary trance for 2 days without going to sleep. I kept staring to my chart and to my broker platform. I had the most empty helpless and dying feeling one can imagine. 

I felt that the sharks had eaten me completely and that on that same evening not one of those shark would feel any compassion for me or realize that somebody has lost his life. Because they don’t know me. They do not see my face. They do not know how I feel. They did not know what I gave up in my life (wife and family) to get to this point.

This feeling got stronger and stronger till I was sure that I wanted to commit suicide. I started to think how ?... I hate pain and violence. So pills were the most obvious key to me to some sort of heaven or hell for traders that had bad luck or did wrong. 

On that very same moment (not sleeping for 48hours) my son, he was then 8 years, came in my apartment with the most lovely smile and said the most awakening words: Hello DADDY. He came to me and gave me a kiss while placing his arms around my neck and I placed my arms around him and held him so tight that he said DADDY what are you doing? 

On that moment I realized that suicide is no option at all because my sons need me and love me and I love them with all my hart.

A couple of days later my decision was made. I wanted to continue to be a trader. But I did not had a pot to piss in anymore. I realized to start to trade immediately would not be a good decision because I would only feel revenge and wanted to get my lost money back ASAP. I realized that this would only lead to revenge trading and that this would be the ideal ingredient to failer. 

I talked to my friend who had invested in me and explained my case. I explained him also my trading style and where I made crucial errors. On that moment we were the month of June. He said to me: I am going to pay you a very small monthly income. With that income I know you can hardly survive. But live like a monk. Trade for 3 months on a demo account and show me that you do not average down anymore and that on every trade you have a pre-defined stoploss and take profit. 

I traded nearly 3 months on a demo account very strictly and with an enormous discipline and at the end of September my friend said to me: Lets go live again!... I felt that this would be my absolute last chance to make it as a trader. 

I decided that the money I had lost was absolutely lost. I accepted my defeat. I looked with a clear mind to the future and knew that I needed to start from zero again. Humble and modest. I was 38 years old then.

Everything went smooth and well. I started to put more and more of my trading decisions into expert advisors. I knew more and more that system trading is better then discretionary trading. No more feeling like greed and anger. It went from better to good. I started a new relationship.

 She was again a great woman and had a lot of friends ho had some money to invest. More and more money was added to my account as an account manager. Where at some point I was trading 1Million dollar. 

I was doing so good that again this dark evil greedy little devil sat on my shoulder and said to me: Boost up your risk. Make more money. You can do it..etc…. I started to investigate my own trading so much or lets say to much that I took again huge risks BUT suddenly I lost 50% of the capital that people had invested with me. 

Immediately people abandoned my sinking ship. My relationship broke up again and her friends told me that they wanted to stop and before I knew it I was back on the street with nothing. No more relationship. No more money.

I moved to a very small apartment. The right word for it would not be an apartment but a letterbox. When I moved my head from left to right it caused a head injury. I had a very long thought about my live and realized that the path I decided to walk nearly 10 years ago had brought me nowhere. 

I felt like a trader, I was a trader, but that was it. I had not 1 euro in my pocket. No car. No house. Only my 2 sons that still supported me and also my trading friend that had supported me from the very beginning.

I asked him again if he could help me. He was again positive and said to me: You do not need to come to me I am going to bring you every month 1250€. Within 1 year you need to make money. If not then we finish with each other. This can sound strange but he knew and I knew that at some point you need to let go of your dreams. Especially if one is on that moment 42 years.

Read also:  Igor's Story Part One
                        Igor's Story Part Three